Shaded Longing
by Adriel
Summary: James Potter confronts feelings about Lily, love, his self worth, while battling feelings of helplessness and worthlessness.


Disclaimer-JKR owns all, except I own Adriel.  
  
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James Potter slouched farther down into the chair he was sitting in, letting the book he was pretending to read hide his face. It was 4 p.m. on a sunny spring afternoon, and the library was the last place James was likely to be. Peering over the top of his book, James saw a small, redheaded figure, writing hurriedly. She looked up to read the thick volume in front of her, and James was able to see her face.  
  
It hurt James to look at her face; recently, she always looked so sad and lost, her piercing green eyes conveying a lost and confused emotion. As James stared at her, transfixed, he admitted to himself that he loved to look at her, that he lived for it.  
  
I was the great paradox of his life.  
  
All of sudden, Lily looked over at him. Her bright green eyes pierced his soul, and, forgetting to look away like he usually did, he stared into those beautiful eyes, that haunting face, for a few more seconds.  
  
She looked away.  
  
'You are such an idiot, Potter' he thought to himself, completely hiding his face behind the book again. He slowly got up, and began to exit the library. Right before he reached the door, he looked over at her quickly. She was still reading, looking sad, and tired. His heart gave a painful scream. He turned his back to her for a minute and closed his eyes. 'The hell with it.' He thought, 'I always was a risk taker.' Then he turned quickly on his heel, and strode over to Lily's table with his usual air of confidence.  
  
"Hey, Evans." he began when he reached her. "Having fun writing?"  
  
She looked wary at first, then just more sad than before. 'Damn you, Potter, you fool' James thought. "James, go away if you just want someone to make fun of." Lily said, in a tired voice.  
  
James looked around. No one here. Hell.  
  
"Look, Lily" James said desperately, "I don't want to make fun of you. I want to ask you what's wrong. Because lately you seem so down, and, I don't know, I just thought maybe you needed someone to talk to, or something."  
  
Lily looked shocked. First, he had called her Lily. Second, he had let his usual egotistic air that hung about him like a plague disappear. She stared at him. 'Quite a handsome boy, really, when he isn't stupidly messing up his hair,' she thought.  
  
James stared back. 'Such a beautiful girl' was all he could think.  
  
James didn't know what to say. Feeling his face redden, he turned, and walked out of the library.  
  
Skipping down the steps to the magnificent Hogwarts grounds. Walking quickly, he allowed his thoughts to become foggy, with visions of angels.  
  
"Oi!" came a voice, as James himself fall on the ground next to a dark- haired girl. "Sorry, Adriel. Bit preoccupied." James got up and helped Adriel pick up her charms homework.  
  
"I'll say," laughed the pretty Ravenclaw. "Want to go meet up with you scoundrel friends?"  
  
James leaned over to help her pick up her books. "Yea, I was planning on it."  
  
"Well, here they come now." Adriel laughed.  
  
James looked at her quizzically. "Why in such a good mood?"  
  
Adriel shot one back. "Why spending your afternoons in the library?"  
  
Just then, Lily hurried out of the library.  
  
"Ah, I see." Adriel grinned, giving him a wicked smile.  
  
"No wait." James said.  
  
"S'all right, Potter. Your secrets are safe with me. Maybe now your heart will grow a tad bit. Would do us all some good." She promptly started walking toward Sirius and Remus. "Ta-ta!" she called, waiving over her shoulder.  
  
James leaned on his heal, scanning the Hogwarts grounds. Adriel was talking animatedly with Sirius and Remus.  
  
Lily was standing a few yards away from them, under a tree. She was watching Sirius, Remus and Adriel with a sad look; a shaded sort of longing.  
  
Pulling his jacket tighter around him, James walked steadily over to her, looking down, his heart hammering.  
  
"You again?" She asked with a sigh. "Since when do you make a habit of talking to me?"  
  
"Look, Lily" he said. Her name felt wonderfully in his mouth. "You just look kind of sad, is all- is anything up?" he said weakly, bearing himself not to look away at her fierce green gaze.  
  
An icy tea rolled down her cheek, and the wind played with her hair. "Get away, Potter! Don't come pretending you know anything about me or that you even care! You wouldn't understand!" With that she turned on her heal and left.  
  
James stared blankly after her. Damn! He has screwed up again. And caused her more pain than before. "Noo.." he moaned. He felt like he was going to have an internal implosion. He hated his image that kept him from being close to anybody. And that was all he wanted, and desperately.  
  
Letting himself fall to the ground, he felt to helpless too move. He began to cry out of hopelessness and his unfulfillable yearning to love.and be loved. Before all went black, Adriel's words resounded in his ears.  
  
"Maybe now your heart will grow a tad bit." 


End file.
